Not by accident

Just as a warning… you might not understand any of this. My mind is real weird sometimes, and it jumps around a lot.. haha

It has been a big day today in my world by marking my journey to Africa and preparation for this trip that I truly believe God has planned out for me — not by accident.

wake up — 7:30
get to AU Medical Clinic — 8:20ish
have shots administered  – 9:15
first Daniel fast meal — 9:45

Well, if I know one thing.. it’s this — God has me here, now. For every doubt that may arise, I feel like God brings forth 10 more confirmations. EXAMPLE: Here, I am… in the AU Medical Clinic about to get FOUR shots to protect me from whatever I may encounter in Tanzania. (this is 2 more shots than I had originally planned, but I’m a big girl.. I had to be tough, you know?) I was talking to the Doctor that came to see me and give me the malaria pill prescription. While discussing doctoral things, he tells me how he went to a camp with one of his sons a few summers back and was placed with another father in the cabin who is also an MD. After a conversation or two, my doctor finds out that the other father with him had just come back to the States a month before. He had been in Tanzania for 4 years. Ok, cool.

My nurse came back in to administer the shots, and we got to talking. She told me how lucky I actually was to be able to get the yellow fever shot and not be put on a waiting list. Apparently, they are only alloted a certain number of yellow fever vaccines, and they run out quite frequently. Ok, cool.

It just makes me think about how God has been putting together this story along. Aside from everything else, I can trace back to how it starts.. placing the seed and eventually it blooms into something much bigger than ourselves — and I truly mean that, whatever God is going to do through this trip to Africa is much bigger than anything I can see and much bigger than what affects me. Anyways, it makes me excited, and I’m so thankful that He has been so faithful. I have been learning a little bit how God works. It is funny how so many things come together to change one persons life.

ok… so the Daniel Fast….
I’ll be doing the Daniel Fast for 40 days (day 1 being today) in preparation for my trip to Africa. Today was pretty good. I came across Psalm 37: 5-7, and it was kind of hard to read! Commit EVERYTHING you do to the Lord. It is hard to read because I can think for things I still want to hold on to, but I guess as the saying goes “admitting is the first step.” I pray for cleansing during this time of fasting.

oh a lighter note (maybe..) I came back to the song by John Prine today. It’s called “Angel from Montgomery.” I was introduced to this song by one of my professors. It’s a great song with lots of meaning… and it makes me wonder about different things, but that’s a whole different story that I could probably go on for days about. Social justice

Beautiful Redemption

Same thing every year. We all gather around church activities or celebrations in order to give our King the glory of redeeming us and defeating the evil one through breaking the curse of death. Why do I celebrate this? … side note.. I like to evaluate things a lot. … I celebrate this because it is a part of me, rather HE is apart of me. This is my celebration, our celebration. It’s the story given to us showing redeeming love, ultimate compassion, and extreme sacrifice. This story has been burned in me and engraved in my heart by the signature of His pure blood. It hasn’t been engraved in me because of repetition, but instead FAITH. It awakens my soul everytime I truly think about what His sacrifice means. It’s real. He’s real. I just can’t imagine the pain inside of Him when he knelt down – face to the ground – because “his soul was crushed” (Matt26:38). A crushed soul?? How horrible that must be. Sure I’ve been upset, frustrated, and angry, but nothing equates to a crushed soul. If only we knew the kind of pain He went through! Why was Jesus, Savior of our souls, suffering from a crushed soul?! For me. He seriously put Himself through anguish for me. When His head was to the ground, and He was crying out to God in distresss,  He was thinking about me. He was thinking about MY pain, MY failures, and MY sin.

He was thinking about me.

This is why this story is apart of me. It is who I am because without it, I would remain lost and unworthy. I’ve always heard Jesus’s sacrific for us as a “beautiful redemtion,” but when you really sit down and think about why it’s called that, your eyes are opened to way of thinking.

the answer

I’ve tried more of me
and i’ve come up dry
trading You for things
things that go away
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You

i have found the answer is
to love You and be loved by You alone
alright! alright! alright!
You crucify me and the world to me
and i will only boast in You
alright! alright! alright!

i’m so satisfied
at the thought of You
growing up in me
covering everything
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You

You are, You are (loved by me)
You are, You are (You’re loved by me)
You are, You are (You’re loved by me)
You are, You are, You are

Shane and Shane “The Answer”

Amazing! I think Shane and Shane for real has found the answer (not that they are the first, or the only). I am most satisfied when I am completely filled with the Spirit.

You increase in me as I decrease

Broken Beloved

I am a special garden that the Lord has sown. “My Beloved is mine, and I am His” Ok, so I heard this amazing song this weekend… I mean for real, like it touched me deep in my soul: this is not a joke.

I finally found where I belong,
I finally found where I belong in Your presence.
I finally found where I belong, is to be with You. (repeat)
I am my Beloved’s, and He is mine,
So come into your garden and take delight in me.
I am my Beloved’s and He is mine,
So come into your garden and take delight in me.
Delight in me
Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest.
                    “Where I Belong” – Matt Gilman and Cory Asbury

— thank you Jesus for my broken spirit. I feel the weight of your heart upon mine, and it hurts. Pour out your love on me, sweet Jesus. “you have laid your hand upon me… your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God… Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Pslam 139 You are my Beloved. Find your home in me. Smile upon me
                     With as much love as it takes,
                     Your daughter

Satisfaction Guaranteed

Has it been just another day? One of those days where you just get up in the morning, get ready for class, go to class, maybe see some friends, eat lunch, go home, take a nap, and get ready for the night’s events. I’ve realized that I am no longer satisfied with those concrete events. Routine things are not fun for me, and they never have been fun. I always knew there was more than what was going on with me or what I was able to see. Once you died in Christ, you will never be satisfied with what the world has to offer – seriously.-                There’s relevance. I promise! Haha… I tend to go off on tangents and never remember why I went there in the first place. Oh well.

Man, God has been showing me some amazing things today. Life is complicated – full of broad choices all across the spectrum. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 kind of explains things a person could go through “for everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.” I mean, you can choose to act any desire out that you want. Would you get satisfaction in that? Taking part in sin only gives temporary satisfaction – if that. I am most satisfied when I know that I am pleasing God. Sure, that may mean saying “no” to friends when they want to hang out, cutting back on activities that clutter my schedule – though they may be entertaining,  or simply sharing a smile with someone on campus who you just know is in some deep state of depression. Like my last post explained, God has a perfect plan for all of us. Ecclesiastes 3:11 “Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” I’m still meditating on this versus, but here’s what I have so far. The first part simply means that God has a plan for everything, and that plan has its own time to be executed – the outcome will be amazingly beautiful. (here’s my take on the last part -à) The reason why we become so unsatisfied with the routine of this world is because “God has planted eternity in the human heart.” Everything on this earth is temporary – basically the opposite of eternal. How could I be satisfied with “just living” and everything this world has to offer me when eternity has been planted on my heart? And seriously, the eternal seed planted by God’s breath in me seems to grow stronger and stronger every day.

Okay, now I’m traveling to the N.T. 2 Cor 1:8-11. So here’s Paul explaining how good God has been to him in all the troubles he has been through. I like how Paul explains that he didn’t have faith in God to overcome these battles Paul was faced, but soon enough he realized that he “stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead.” Paul says that he expected to die while in Asia, but “God raises the dead.” When you are going through something so unbearable – trying to get out on your own – God is there to “raise the dead” in you, pick you up, and bring you back to life. He likes that. 2 Cor 4:17-18 Paul – of all people – states that anything that is presently troublesome is “small and won’t last very long.” BUT it’s in the deepest of pits that God wants to take our hand and receive the glory of resurrection. That’s one thing that I struggle with – being the problem solver that I am—letting God handle whatever struggle it is I’m dealing with. Paul advises us to look ahead to things unseen rather than those things seen because THAT is where we find satisfaction – glorifying our Savior.

Take part: Empower

Intertwining stories. That’s what Cornerstone College has really been focusing on. It’s so wonderful, when it is brought to my attention, to see how God really does intertwine our stories to make new ones – only to add on to the most beautiful one of all. I love puzzles – not just the cut out cardboard puzzles – but problems in general. I like figuring things out and coming to my own conclusions on certain situations. I feel like God is the ultimate problem solver – we like solving problems together. He loves making intricate plans and strategically placing parts of His plan together to make one, unified, perfect outcome. What’s our part in that? We have to love Him enough to 1) trust that He’s plan for real is going to be SWEET and 2) obey Him by sacrificing whatever it is that is standing in the way of that special plan. I’m up for that – all day, don’t look back.

Also, here are two pieces of Ty-anne’s conversation with God today that I would like to share. 1) I was reading Revelation today – super empowering. Revelation 12 specifically. Background information: There was a pretty hideous dragon trying to take “a son who was to rule all the nations with an iron rod.” God took the son from this sick nasty dragon and also prepared a special place in the wilderness for the woman who gave birth to the son. Well, a war starts in heaven against this dragon and Michael and his angels. Of course, the dragon loses and was forced out of heaven along with his angels. They were thrown down to earth where he tried to pursue the woman, but unfortunately for the dragon, God is too powerful. The dragon then declares war against all of God’s children. After I read this, I was like for real Satan? You really think that you can defeat Almighty? Let’s think about that title for a second. Almighty – dictionary.com says (adj.) 1) having unlimited power; omnipotent, as God. 2) having very great power, influence, etc. Okay Satan, God has unlimited power. That means you cannot defeat Him, I mean why even think about it? Here is why it was empowering for me. Just read Psalm 27:1-3. Because Christ is in me, and I have died in Christ, I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. Because Christ lives in me, I have the strength of the Lord. He has graciously bestowed upon me the strength to be victorious over the one who tries to devour me. Sorry Satan, not this time. My heart will no longer be afraid of you. I am the daughter of a King who came to rescue me. SO EMPOWERING. Haha I shared that with a few friends today, and I said “man, after I read that, I just wanted to go outside… and I don’t know.” They laughed at me, then I finished my thought by saying “slay a dragon!” Haha ridiculous, but if Satan is involved, bring it on. I’m victorious, I’ll defeat him.

I guess I’ll share a little bit of another conversation I had. It was more on the sweet side than brutal. They are both important nonetheless. I read Psalm 139 today. Another thing I often forget is how precious I am to God. I mean, I make myself feel so insignificant sometimes, but no I have the strength of God living in me. He has delicately placed me in this environment for a reason. It goes back to the puzzles. He had a plan for me before I was born. It’s just amazing that I am living out that plan now. That really makes me feel precious. He took time out for me, specially crafted a wonderful journey for me to live out and further His Kingdom. I’m just blessed to be partaking in that. Custom made. It’s refreshing to realize.

What’s the problem?

Discovering is an interesting action, something that I do every day, all day. It can be good, bad, or just whatever. Recently, I’ve been discovering how inadequate I make myself feel. What am I really doing? Why do I ignore God’s plan for me daily? Why am I constantly battling with my mind and my heart? Why is it so hard to just listen? I feel like I fail God every day. Not in my actions, but in my inaction. Boldness. It’s something I’ve been convicted of for a while now. Why haven’t I done anything about it? Because it’s hard to be bold when you are bold-less. I’m in fear of what might be lost; sure I can give up material a thing… that’s not my problem. What am I scared of is more of an internal issue. Vulnerability. Why am I scared of vulnerability? I have no idea. God shows ultimate vulnerability. Stripping Himself naked for all of His children and enemies to see, allowing Himself to be beaten by the ones he died for – even though he had all the power and ability to save Himself from that suffering. God’s disciples show ultimate vulnerability. Moses, Abraham, Isaiah, Mary, Joseph, Daniel, Philip, Paul, Peter. All of God’s disciples presented themselves as simply themselves, and they were used in miraculous ways. What am I scared of? Here’s a little something about me. Letting people into my heart, mind, soul can be slightly difficult for me. I’ve always felt too different to be understood. There are only a few people in this world that understand me, sometimes I even question that. That’s okay. I don’t need to be understood by people, but what bothers me is not fulfilling God’s purpose for me because I’m scared of being vulnerable to others. Not acceptable. It kills me inside even knowing that’s what my problem inside. God is so gracious to just keep on trying with me. It’s too much that I just can’t take it sometimes. He lets me inside of His heart, showing me what breaks His heart. What am I doing about it? Too little. Being vulnerable is actually more tolerable than not fulfilling what I’ve been put on this earth for, now that I seriously think about it.

Jesus, “cut off every branch of mine that does not produce fruit, prune the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more” (John 15: 2). Sure, I have suffered in your name, but not enough. Break me, not just for what you have graciously shown me, but for more. I yearn for your love and knowledge. I am in awe of your amazing grace and patience and everything good. Thank you for the armor that you equip me with. I prayed to fight for you. I’m not dipping my foot in the water, but absolutely submerging my whole entire body in the ocean of sacrifice. It might not be a swan dive, or even a cannon ball, but it is a beautiful captivation. My ultimate goal: love you. Share you. Obey you. PLEASE YOU.